Peeing in the Thai cup

Me – Can you repeat that?

Nurse 1 – Urn.

Me – I’m sorry. Again?

Nurse 1 – (Smiles and waves me into a bathroom.) Urn.

Me – Urn?

Nurse 1 – Chai (Yes, in Thai).

Me – I don’t understand.

(Second nurse comes over. She picks up a plastic dish with a small hole as deep as a thimble in the center of it)

Nurse 2 – Ureen.

Me – You want me to pee in that?

(Now they are confused. Nurse 3 and 4 come in and close the door. Nurse 3 spreads her legs and wiggles her fingers between her legs.)

Nurse 4 – Ureen.

Me – You want me to pis…ah, urinate in the dish.

(Nods)

Me – (Looking around for the little tray window one normally puts the pee cup on) And where do I put it when I’m done?

(Confusion ensues. Nurse 2 opens the door and Nurse 5 attempts to squeeze in)

Me – Okay. Yes. Urinate. Got it. Chai.

In order to get my final work permit and visa extension I was told I was going to be taken to the doctor to get blood drawn for a syphilis check. Random, but pretty sure I got that in the bag. So when they handed me the tiny plastic dish and had a con-fab in the bathroom with me I was a little confused. I’ll pee in a cup, sure, but what the hell am I suppose to do with a small plastic dish. Swipe it through the stream real quick and set it on the bathroom sink? Turns out that’s exactly what I did.

Next I was escorted into the doctors office. Nurse 2 comes in with a strip and shows it to the doctor. They babble in Thai for a few minutes before I ask if something is wrong.

Doc – It’s negative.

Me – What is?

Doc – Your drug test.

No shit. I am not going to a Thai jail.

Doc – And you never drink and never smoke?

I bit my lip in an attempt to not laugh in his face and shook my head.

The doctor was a younger Thai man who spoke cracked English that was even harder to understand beneath his mask. He then whips out a metal tongue stick. Before I have time to ask if it’s sterile he jams it in my throat, pressing down a lot harder than any doctor ever has and triggers my gag reflex. Since I have a cold I can’t breath through my nose so I start to choke. He takes it out.

Doc – Sick?

Me – Yes. A cold.

Doc – How long?

Me – Two weeks, maybe.

He’s writing all these notes on a blank piece of paper seemingly without purpose. By the end of the session it looks like he might just be doodling.

Doc – We take blood now. Test for syphilis, drug addiction, elephantitis, leprosy, and alcoholism.

Me - (Nod)

The blood test went off without a hitch. I was told to come back to pick up my blood panel results the following weekend. Not before leaving with four different types of pills for my cold. One is for my runny nose (which will be good for Jenna as she is sick of living with a snotty roommate who sounds like an elephant when she blows her nose) which I take three times a day, one for if my fever comes back, one for my cough which I also take three times a day, then a bottle of brown murky liquid the doctor told me to sip on when I feel a cough coming on…?? The only thing missing was the old lady pillbox to keep them all in.